Over the past nine or so months there have been many conversations at St. Stephen’s University around sexuality, gender, marriage and singleness. Thus I have been thinking about the institution of marriage as it relates to culture, the Church, the State, and the status quo.
Let us be honest, we live in a society that is both hetero-normative, and well as marriage-normative. There is very little room given for those who are same gender attracted, as well as those who choose a life of singleness. While those who are same gender attracted or those who desire a life of singleness are not the statistical majority in North America, this does not give society the permission toward a strictly utilitarian ethic and law attached to relationships and marriage. The greatest good for the greatest number does not work. Universalizability is in many ways, simply a sham (thanks, Immanuel Kant).
What is all the more disturbing to me is how marriage is bound to the State, essentially saying that what makes a marriage ‘real’ is some licensed document that proclaims it as such. I find this to be a cultural misnomer—that marriage license=marriage. It is a misnomer that many my age believe to be true, and thus it needs gentle correction.
A wise, elder-friend of mine told me a story a few days ago. His great grandfather was a slave in the United States. Slaves, as it were, were not allowed by law to be married. Because of this, this man’s great-grandfather and grandmother had to make their own ceremony of commitment to one another: while they were surrounded by witnesses, they jumped over a broom stick to signify their commitment. These two people stayed together until death, though the ‘legality’ of their marriage was suspect as it was not recognized or protected by the State.
What makes a marriage real is the commitment being made in front of those who will actually walk along side two people during the course of their lives. No marriage is an island. Marriage is a deceleration of together-ness, but one that recognizes that such together-ness needs more than legal protection. It also needs protection from the destructive, selfish forces we find within ourselves. The forces that ask us to abandon and leave a person. The forces that do not take into account the greater affect such a union will have on those peripheral to it.
Why does the state reward those who choose a non-serious, uncommitted ‘marriage’, one that does not carry with it the weight of accountability (i.e., the people and the broom stick) and can be easily undone, yet ostracize those who want a true union, one that seeks recognition from those around them—namely family, biological or otherwise? Is that not truly what makes a union? Or, is it simply a piece of paper that people sign? Does it have to be both/and, or can it be one or the other?
The divorce rates in North America are so high, I am curious about whether we’ve gotten it all backward? Why do we as a culture put such a high value on the legal recognition and protection of ‘marriage’, one that fifty-percent of the time fails? I know a handful of people who are not ‘legally’ married, who have committed their lives to one another and each others families ceremonially that are considerably more healthy in their union than those who have sought a legally recognized union. I am not suggesting that marriage is unimportant or should not be sought for those who desire it out of the serious, and almost insane truth that you cannot live your life without ‘this person’. Rather, I am suggesting a new seriousness be attached to marriage. That the entire family infrastructure—that is, those who stand and recognized the union of two people, feels again the true weight of responsibility toward those whom they witness being united.
In the mean time, should the State get out of the business of marriage? Should it instead embrace ‘civil union’ as the proper and just terminology for those seeking legal protection and benefits in relation to their union? Similarly, should the Church not also wash it’s proverbial hands in relation to its involvement with the legal side of marriage as well? Or, are we simply too late?