I tend to like guys who I have no business in liking. The ones who I disagree with at the deep, fundamental levels of my beliefs. Yet, I find myself wanting to date guys like that. Maybe I just can’t find a guy who is quality like the guys I “shouldn’t” like.
Let me paint a picture for you.
Now, I listen to “christian music” however I hate that term. A christian is a person, not a genre. The thing about your general christian music is that the majority you find in the United States are just pop songs with words about God, Jesus, etc. They are typical over produced songs with safe chord progressions and lyrics that probably took 10 minutes to write, just like many pop songs are. These songs sound good and are pleasing to our ear, but there isn’t much meat to them. They don’t go deeper. That is my imagery for the christian males I have run across in my life; safe, pleasing but not much depth
But then there is other music. This other music is often not written by your typical christian artist. This music that takes time and effort. It has substance. It has note variation, melody and nuance. It is beautiful. The lyrics are poetic and flowing. There is time, re-writing and internal wrestling put into this music. That is my imagery for guys I like who, while they find deep meaning in life are void of serious spirituality as a constant pursuit of their lives.
This is my jaded feeling towards guys. It’s not that I don’t want to date a guy who loves Jesus. I do. But I can’t seem to find a guy who, like the “other music” above, goes deeper as well as loves the Lord. It’s like one or the other. Either shallow, christian pop—the kind that you listen to all your life because it’s what you’ve always known; or it’s deep, meaningful, liberal, music—the kind that takes time and patience and self doubt and re-writing and wrestling. The first, “christian” pop music/cookie-cut-out christian guy” is good but I want a guy who I can go deeper with. But then the “other music/liberal non-christian guy” is appealing but doesn’t hit that center of spirituality I need in my life.
Alright, enough ranting for one day. I am sure all of my christian-male friends who are reading this find this ridiculously offensive, and by no means is it meant to be that way. I just needed to get that off my chest. Not like I’m dating anyone anyway.
I’m counting down the days.
1 day until MarthaJoy is home.
15 days until I’m done working.
17 days until Nora is home.
28 days until I leave for school.
I am feeling the tangible presence of the holy spirit more today than I have in a very, very long time.
I was driving home last night from my friend Noahs, listening to (guess who) Ryan Adams new cd and one of the songs suddenly hit me. “Every thing’s changing”. I instantly started crying. I realized that last night could very well be the last time I see Noah for a long time. I didn’t want to say goodbye. No one does. And then all of the normal floods of worry, self-doubt and pain washed over me. The truth of the matter is—we move on. People move. Some relationships stand the test of time, while others don’t. It’s the beauty we live in, yet it is so very bittersweet. While going out to St. Stephen is absolutely necessary and I am so excited to make the move I hate what it brings with it. Leaving everything behind.
It is the human condition to cling. Relationships, money, homes, cars… stuff. But I want to be able to go where God tells me to go and hold nothing of my own. Where He leads me I want to be able to follow.
My cd player on my computer at work isn’t working, so I am using IMEEM to listen to tunes. A friend of mine whom I go to church with turned me onto IMEEM. So I am listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I love them, but I mean seriously all their music is about love. The kind of love you long to have in your life; the kind you find in fairy tales.
But here’s the thing… I don’t need a fairy tale. Fairy tales aren’t real. I want a man who just loves me and will be there for me when the fairy tale goes bad. I don’t need a man, and God is continually teaching me to look to Him [God] for my needs; however I know that He has instilled in me the desire for a man to spend the rest of my life with for His [God's] purpose.
So, here I sit.
Emo.
Listening to music that is bitter, broken and about love between a man and a woman, and it makes me think of the fairy tale I once had for such a short time. But then, as they always do, it went bad.
God can work even in this.
Angelina, the name of my car (named after Angelina Jolie) got sandwiched between 2 cars today on highway 62 west bound.
RIP Angelina, you were good to me for almost a year. We’ll see if you can be revived once the insurance agent takes a nice, long look under your hood.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted, hasn’t it? I’ve been busy.
Okay okay maybe not, I just havn’t had much to blog about. I’m trying to keep this blog “about” something, and I havn’t had much to report in the department of christian theology, or worship. I’m just living life. There is a lot on my plate at the moment about what I will be doing and where I will be living within the next few months but nothing is official so I don’t want to make a big fuss about it only to backout at the last second. let’s just say the engines are churning and something sweet is being cooked up.
I am officially over my crush. It’s a good feeling, actually. Now I can totally focus on Jesus without having a guy get in the way. And sometimes as unfortunate as it is dorky, no-big-deal crushes on guys after a breakup help the mending process. I wish that Jesus could be enough of a help to that process, but at times I avert my attention to another guy so I don’t think about the ex so much, avert but don’t act. But now, I don’t think about the ex much nor do I even care about mr. crush-boaz-jesus lover. It’s good. I’m happy in my singleness. It’s the right place for me. I have so much I am going to do while I am single that God couldn’t do if I was married.
I am learning that life is about the journey, not the destination. Cliche’, right? Well no matter how cheesey and cliche’ it sounds—it’s truth. I am so tunnel visioned. I get so focused on the outcome of something, and getting to that outcome that I miss what it takes to get there. I now have the head knowledge drilled into me; it’s good to have goals but we can’t forget the now. So now I am learning to make it a reality not just a theory that I know in my head. And even more, I need it to turn even more into knowledge of the heart.
I am finding the joy in the little things. Emails from friends, rocking out to music in my car. Playing the piano. Breathing the springtime air when I open the side door at work to put the mail outside, my dog. God can be found in all these things. He gives us these things because He loves us. It says in the bible that every good and perfect gift comes from His hand (James 1:17), and these things that I am learning to enjoy—those small things, I am loving and thanking Him for. I am especially thankful for all the new friendship I have encountered as of late. I am reaching out to people who I don’t know but have always wanted to know and it is great. God is doing a good work in me through that.
I am preparing to play a worship set at the truebridge pastors conference in two days. Not only that but I am kicking the conference off. I am trying to not make it a big deal in my head but in my heart it feels like a lot of weight to be put on my shoulders. I sometimes doubt my abilities as a worship leader. Things have been off lately however today I found myself asking God to give me a life of worship, quite literally. I would rather just live from day to day on what God gives to me, travel around the world and minister to hurt and broken people through worship. I would rather do that for the rest of my life than go back to school. Although school is good, sometimes it doesn’t feel like it has much eternal value. However me saying that will only put God in a box. I want to only desire to do what He wants me to do.
Still working on the crush thing. There is a man, who is a Boaz. But I am fixing my eyes on Jesus and you know what? It’s working. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have that crush still, because I do, however I am not sold out to it and I still continually check my heart on it. I am not going to be the pursuer. If this guy is someone worth being my someone then in God’s timing he will pursue me and until then, if then rather, I am learning that Jesus is more than enough.
I have found a new joy in sitting at coffee shops for an extended period of time by myself. I got an IPOD Shuffle for Christmas and I hadn’t been getting much use out of it because I wanted it for riding purposes. However I put a bunch of really good worship music on it, and lately I have been sitting at Starbucks, Dunn Brothers or School of the Wise and rocking out while reading a good book or the bible.
I have also been reading my bible every night before I go to bed—only missing one night since I started doing that. Keep in mind I am not the most motivated of people so for me to be committed enough every night to set aside some time to read the bible is a major feat for me. It’s always hard to decide where in the bible to start reading if you don’t make it a regular part of your life so I decided that I wanted to learn more about Jesus so Matthew seemed like a good place to start. I am reading the King James Version and (watch me put my foot in my mouth now…) for once in my life I wish it wasn’t the King James. I have no problem reading text in KJV however when it’s dialogue that’s a different story. And obviously the book of Matthew has a lot of Jesus talking so it’s tough. However I like it because it allows my brain to get some much needed exercise.
I feel like I haven’t really blogged about relationships lately. Maybe a little bit here and there, but nothing in depth or hardcore. Maybe that is good because that means that I am not focusing on that in my life—and I think that is slightly true. See, God instilled in me the desire to be married however marriage is just a slave to relationship. Marriage isn’t the end result because if it was then what would 2 people in love do after they get married? I have been learning this more and more everyday. I have been avoiding the relationship blogging mostly because I am not the person who wants to bad mouth my ex’s. I’ve done that enough in this life. They all were good guys and deserve good reputations and I hope in no way to shed them in a negative light. With that said, here’s some relationship blogging…. *muah* (that’s for you Nora).
Jesus is my number one. I am learning to be satisfied in my singleness. Not one person will be satisfied in a relationship until they are satisfied in their singleness. Before my most recent relationship I was learning what it was like to be okay with being single and now I have come to realize that the second I got into that relationship I clung to it—forgetting to embrace my singleness. I made the relationship big in my eyes, and yes in reality that does need to happen in relationships especially if they are heading towards marriage but not one person can ever get so invested in another person until after your wedding vows are literally exchanged. That is when you lay down your life and serve that person through the love of Jesus. For me to expect another person to be “it” for me, is to put that person before Jesus and God instead of putting them in their rightful place—second. I am now actively practicing putting guys in second place to God. See, as my mom likes to put it I am “boy crazy”. I can’t help it, I am attracted to guys. I have crushes. I “ogle” men (ogle like google, MarthaJoy?). There is one guy (who will remain nameless and details will from where I know him will not be said because it’s not needed) who just recently entered my life who I have the biggest crush on (I have for a really long time, actually but it was one of those “from a distance” kind of things because he had no idea I existed). We are involved in some Ministry-Jesus-Stuff together. I have been making the active and conscious decision that when I go to this Ministry stuff to be checking my heart at the door. Praying to the Lord “Make my heart right. That I am here for You and not for a boy.” Because as cool as it would be to date this guy (because he totally loves Jesus) first of all I want God’s will to be done in my life. I want to do His work and put Him first in my life. And every time I pray to God to make my heart right and aimed at Him going into that ministry stuff with this guy is so much better because I know my motives to be there are for the Lord and I am not focusing my life on a man.
That is what it takes. An active and conscious decision and satisfaction that the Lord is better and greater than any worldly relationship. Not to belittle those relationships or to make them seem worthless but when we become so caught up in those relationships we forget who our Number One should be—and that is God through His son who died for us, Jesus.
